Secret surf spot, China

I was walking down a main road in China and BAM! “A surf spot.” No crowds, no board hassles, never too cold or warm in the water, endless barrel, and locals don’t want a piece of it. I think I have found nirvana.

It’s a vicious looking wave. Note the teeth/fang-like lip and the super wide pitch. There are a few ribs running up the face, but the wave can be offshore in any conditions, if you place it right. You shouldn’t text your mates on your cell phone like this bloke is doing. I don’t think he realises what he has here. The girl under the beach umbrella goes about playing with her hair unaware of the quality next to her, and the potential for capitalising on it. If it gets too hot you can duck into those office buildings for a quick blast of air conditioning, because it does get very humid here in summer. The board is 5’11 and well-glassed. In fact, I don’t think it will ever break. It’s fire-engine red and so you will be able to see yourself ripping in those mirrored windows stretching hundreds of feet into the air.  This way you could check your style and make sure you are laying rail and boosting like Dane Reynolds before or after a heat. Man purses like the one the old digger is holding in the background are optional. They are popular here. A pocket for your wax and money and keys. Brilliant. QuikRipaBong could bring out a line, in neoprene, of course. And autographed by the relevant professional gymnast. The Mick Fanning model with his face on the side and the hair of an albino monkey on top adding that extra blonde surfer boy authenticity? Also, it’d be nice to rub between sessions. Or the Kelly Slater man purse with “10 in 2010” written on it (no, that is not how many groupies he’s had this year, we are talking World Circus Championships). I know you would all luuurve to know where this nirvana is, but I am not telling. Well, I will, but it’ll cost you one airfare from Shanghai to Taiwan.

Disclaimer: Apologies in advance to Pete for poorly ripping off his critic’s hat and style, and to those who are actually funny. Just having some fun …