Abandonment

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My eyes blinking, the pulsation of blood, the air in my lungs-all rapid, all panicked, all estranged from normal patterns.  Corporal responses to the now confirmed apprehension that I failed and abandoned.  My departure was insignificant to her, but plunged me bottomlessly into an absence.  Only the deprivation of touch, sound and scent punctuated my feelings; the deprivation of that one  presence that moves you to ineffable feeling, tenderness and hope.

How did my involvement become severed so abruptly?  I must not have been attentive.  I must not have been intelligent enough. I must not have absorbed the lessons she imparted upon me.  How did I let that wild connection I so endlessly sought slow into annulment?  I must not be meant for her embrace.  I must not have studied her diligently.  I must be of inadequate origin.

And so I returned to the treeless plateaus of my upbringing weary and restless all at once.  What shall I do? Yes, I must court her again.  No, I must forget her.  Yes, I must return to her.  How can do I succeed?  Yes, you will transcend.  No, you are meant for other relationships. Yes, there is infinite promise.  Where do I go? Yes, she calls you silently. No, you never meant much to her.  Yes, her whispers ripple gently and devotedly through the winds.

Please, listen to me.  Every morning I savored your caresses.  Every afternoon I tasted your elements. Every evening I reveled in the sonance of your breath. I cannot undo my leaving, but I can return. I will return. I must return.  For you and all the sweetness that resides in you.  For you and all the goodness anchored at your depths. For you and all the history that ever was and ever will be.  I must return.

Noah

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